this one’s for the ladies.

now, i’m not one to give away any of my secrets, but perhaps it’s time for a refresher in relationship department?

i have had an [almost absurd] number of talks lately with women who, in one way or another, seem to have lost themselves within their relationships. women who consider themselves strong and independent, yet somehow are left without the real inclination (or perhaps, the nerve) to check-in with her well-being in the looooove department.

like i said – been there, done that, got the fuckin postcard. over it! why would you allow this? it ends in disaster, every time. i haven’t yet put my finger on what it is about women that allows this odd imbalance of power so frequently. some girls are simply so consumed with the idea of finding love that it somehow becomes awarded with a power that can drastically distort reality.

my advice? stop thinking as a we; but rather an i, with care and regard for the guy you love.

your opinions, your beliefs, your passions and your way of looking at the world are your own, and odds are your partner’s will be different. fuck, let’s hope they are! love is about respecting how the other person feels, and receiving the same in return. not apologizing for the things that helped to shape who you are. or worse, forgetting about them.  fuck that shit.

honestly girlies…you’re better than that.

7 thoughts on “fromage.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Well, there are a few reasons women find themselves in this vulnerable position.

    Women are given a big chunk of responsibility, which is known as child bearing. Regardless of your cognitive stance on this issue, sadly, you cannot escape the biological realities of your fate as a women: your body, hormones, even cerebral structure is formed in a way to address your evolutionary and biological role on this planet. Which is to have babies. Sorry, I’m sure there will be outcry, but I am making a distinction between cognitive versus biological drives, and this is crucial.

    At this point in most readers lives (I’m assuming between 16- 34 is the demoographic the blogger is seeking) the issue of children is rattling around in that maze called a brain, atleast somewhere. Maybe the limbic system. Even if you have chosen not to bear children, biology in some ways is destiny.

    Why is it that women care so darn much? Because we have to have the child. This means the 9 month pleasure cruise. And then let’s chat about staying with it. For years. So, while men have (in some ways) relatively less responsibility, we are stuck with the ball-n-baby type scenario. The good news, is that most people find child rearing incredibly rewarding. The bad news, is it makes us ultra skeptical of partners (I mean, a quick way to check this out is to ask how many men google a girl before the first date… ask women the same question, and you might see some red cheeks).

    Of course, I’ve just referred to basic and primitive drives- but it’s amazing how these primary motivations manifest. If you don’t believe me, take a look at celebrities. Why would 40 year old, succesful female celebrity X,Y,Z want to appear like a 21 year old? Because that’s what men find attractive. Why do men find this attractive? Because her body expresses the fact that she can bear a child.

    So where does that leave us? My advice, is to exploit mother nature. Stop kidding yourselves. You want a partner who is supportive (regardless if you want children, you WILL respond to primitive drives that relate to the partners suitability). Of course, there are individual differences, and everyone’s preference changes. However, find someone easy- who works for your attention.

    The exhaustive process of finding an appropriate partner is one of life’s biggest challenges (if not the biggest challenge- it related to the most important part of living, which is continuing into posterity). Particularly since we can manipulate ourselves in so many different ways- but cannot change the fundamental reality that as women, we’re more picky, because essentially its a bigger risk for us.

    Finally, someone who addresses your biological and cognitive drives is key. Previously, women were tied to a male partner for (sadly) economic reasons. That’s changed. That also led to a lot of divorces. Miraculously, we’re facing a time when we have a few more years, a little less economic pressure to lassoo a man, and so therefore, while the process is maddening, it’s probably much better than the older alternative.

    So- my advice? Exploit mother nature. Survival of the fittest. Be ruthless when it comes to romantic partners- there are more out there than you can shake a stick at, you just have to make sure you’ve got your eyes open. You work hard on yourself, so make sure partner X,Y,Z is also working hard for that too. Men like to work for goals- remember that.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Jen–LOVE your comments and kudos to the above comments as well. Great perspective. Love the encouragement for us ladies. Shay

  3. admin says:

    anonymous, early-rising genius. who are you? i like you. let’s talk life. email me.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Here’s a last final rant…

    Has anyone ever thought of the intense intersexual competition for partners? And how ridiculous that is?

    Go to a museum, and look at how attractive men were depicted 200 years ago. Pretty much the same as our perception of what is ideal for male fitness today. Now do a compare and contrast between women 200, 100, and even 50 years ago… and what is perceived as beautiful in fashion, and in lad- type magazines today (I’m writing from the UK, hence the early rising) (and lad-mag is, like, Maxim or something equally scintillating and sophisticated).

    Like, I’m not trying to perpetuate the myth that Rubenesque women were celebrated the world over (because they weren’t, and even back then, Reubens take on the ideal shape was controversial) but still- there’s a big difference!

    I really think the intersexual competition among women for appropriate partners is becoming a serious epidemic. The rise in plastic surgery is absolutely astounding (TELL ME WHO decided that a nip and tuck down there was ever necessary?!)-not to mention diet crazes, tanning crazes, gym memberships, and while not everybody subscribes to my (masochistic) fitness regimine- be honest: Do you REALLY want to finish Tracy Anderson’s workouts? Or that marathon you enlisted in? Might the fitness craze smack of insecurity? And trying to maintain something that is, in fact, very unnatural? Then again, for me personally, I find nothing less depressing than a date with a man with a big bottom, so I guess I’ll have to keep the same standard for myself.

    Here’s the other problem. I’ll fess up: paltry, small and petty are my middle names when it comes to this confessional: one-upping sometimes really turns my crank (particularly when thinking about my current boyfriend’s ex, or my ex’s current partner) (thanks TRacy Anderson work out videos! My ass hasn’t looked better since… the last half marathon!) (and stop kidding yourself, you’ve done the same thing too). So, why and where does it start, and how can it end?! And why do I use my physical attributes, as opposed to something a little more profound to bolster my self esteem? (BTW: this is a wonderful distraction away from writing my PhD, which never seems to enter the one upmanship competition with The Ex)

    This refers to my original point: that intersexual competition among females has gotten to a really unbelievably impossible level. And, it’s based on really primitive drives. The ones telling us we MUST HAVE A BABY NOW, that everyone experiences, even if they’re not into having kids.

    Ironically, men might not even be aware of this! I can almost guarantee they’re not. They’re just able to sit back and watch the fashion show of girls (15-18), girls (18-25), girls (25-30), girls (30-35), GIRLS! Because the gap between 18- 45 olds is dimishing (physically speaking), despite the fact that my good ol’ biological noose isn’t really loosening.

    I’m stumped. I’m not about to put a bag over my head, or succumb to Haagen Dazs and agoraphobia (which is second on the list of my most X rated fantasies) in order to (fractionally) lessen intersexual competition. It’s like burning money to improve the economy. My individual effort probably won’t drag us out of the credit crisis.

    However, like my last post, the key issue is that knowledge is power. If we’re aware of this ridiculous level of inter competitiveness among females, perhaps we’ll be better skilled to suss it out in men. Or require evidence of this competition exists in the men we are courting. Key point? Men. Not one man- partners, not partner. Opening the market to ensure that the best candidate emerges is probably the only way to find a lasting and satisfying relationship in these times.

    Thanks to Tracy Anderson, I’ve got a few more years to sort all of that out.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Re: inter-sexual competition…
    Ever notice how the second you stop trying to compete/fight for/stress yourself out about the ideal partner, is the exact point in time when that partner seems to present themselves?

    And going back to the original point by Newts – that once in a relationship…such a shame that we often lose ourselves, since being ourselves is exactly what got them hooked in the first place.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Re: inter-sexual competition…
    Ever notice how the second you stop trying to compete/fight for/stress yourself out about the ideal partner, is the exact point in time when that partner seems to present themselves?

    And going back to the original point by Newts – that once in a relationship…such a shame that we often lose ourselves, since being ourselves is exactly what got them hooked in the first place.

  7. Anonymous says:

    OK- sorry for the confusion to sum up my (long winding) argument…
    – the reason we ‘lose ourselves’ is actually by virtue the fact that we have more invested in relationships (regardless of your cognitive position on having kids), so cut yourself some slack, and call up a girlfriend before it’s too late. She’s the only one who knows how to relate.
    – And that the biological expression of fitness (hip to waist ratio, for example) is malleable as surgery permits? Which, given advances in technology, is unbelieavably chageable. And then this leads to all sorts of competition among women, which, correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t see the same level of competition among men.
    – If you’re willing to walk the earth/ cut off friend ships, and make your life smaller to accomodate a parter, shouldn’t you be guaranteed atleast a semi good time? So, instead of focusing on one person who might not be treating you as well as they could (hence your primitive reflexes of worrying, and therefore cutting yourself off- in one way or another- from your old ‘you’) isn’t a healthier option to make sure the market has been sufficiently tested?

    -I’m all for the ‘don’t lose yourself’ motto- I just think its unrealistic to preach it, without considering why we do it in the first place. A pretty large majority of women do this, after all.

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